One day at work, while mopping the floor, I suddenly had an image of my mom in bed, all frail and weak flash in my mind. Tears just rolled off my cheeks then. I think I was too tired (work has been hectic) and PMS-y.
But this made me think about Death.
I do not cope well with Death.
In fact, I’m one of the worst in my family to cope with Death.
When Nut, my syrian hamster, passed away at a ripe old age of 4 last year, I cried for 2 days.
When Minky’s brothers died, I cried for at least an hour or two for each one of them.
When I cry, I mean bawl. I would bawl until my eyes are swollen, until I’m out of breath and until I have a headache.
I still weep when I think about my grandmom (mom’s mom) and I would cry too when I think about how soon my granny (dad’s mom) would go too.
I have a feeling, I would go berserk if my other family members pass away. Esp my mom, Nad, Lulu, Benji, Chiyo and Kelly. I cannot cannot cannot imagine how I would cope with that.
My greatest wish is to die before anyone of the above dies. Coward I am.
Even writing about this brings tears to my eyes.
Lets not talk about humans. Let’s talk about my pets.
Benji, Chiyo and Kelly. They may one day get some form of cancer, liver failure, kidney failure yadda yadda yadda, or fade with old age.
I would only be at the very very most, 38 – 40 years old. That’s giving them a lifespan of 15 to 20 years. How heartbroken I would be when the time comes for them to leave.
I will be more heartbroken if they have to suffer. I do not believe in euthanesia -Â I do not like to be given a decision which only God should have. So I pray that if God has to take any of my loved ones, take them away without sufferings.
And so far, those that have left (relatives and pets alike), do not suffer much.
I can almost picture myself holding on to one of my dogs or cat, hugging them tight. Telling them I love them and I would always love them. Telling them to go in peace and that I will take care of myself. Telling them they no longer have to protect me and they have done their jobs well. Thanking them for sharing their lives with me.
Goodness…. I’m trying so hard not to cry out now that I have a sore throat.
For friends and family, it’s going to be much worse.
I wish my loved ones could live forever.
Although I do not show it outright, I love my family alot. Especially my mom. She has done so much for me and Lulu. She deserves so much more that I will work hard to provide.
I just don’t want any surprises on the way. I don’t want surprises that make me break promises. (I promised my grandma that when I grew up and went to work, I would give her money, but I never did get to do so.) I just want my mom to be able to finally take a break from working so hard all her life, relax and rest.
Life is so unpredictable and only God knows what’s in store.
If Life is a bargain, I would be good for the rest of my life – not fibbing, not judging others, not breaking all the commandments – in exchange for my loved ones longevity.
I realise one should always treat their loved ones well and not take them for granted when they are still living.
Too many times, people do not understand until it’s too late. Too many times.
This post is kinda depressing and it’s all over the place. I usually read my posts once through to vet for incoherance and typos. But I won’t tonight.
I do want to let my family members (inclusive of my parents, my sis, my aunties and uncle and cousins, my granny, my husband, my dogs and my cat) know that;
I love you all. Alot. Thank you for sharing your lives with me. Â
Thats Inori, with PMS.
I feel happy when he’s around. In fact, I think I rely on him too much sometimes. He’s like a security blanket and a pillar of strength for me. Without him, don’t really feel like doing much. Feel tired easily and feel really lonely. 
